Fundamental techniques of handling people
Principle 1 – Don’t criticize, condemn or complain
Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes them strive to justify themselves. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts their sense of importance, and arouses resentment.
There you are; human nature in action, wrongdoers, blaming everybody but themselves.
I will speak ill of no man, and speak all the good I know of everybody.
Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain – and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.
A great man shows his greatness by the way he treats little men.
Principle 2 – Give honest and sincere appreciation
There is only one way under high heaven to get anybody to do anything. Did you ever stop to think of that? Yes, just one way. And that is by making the other person want to do it.
I have yet to find the person, however great or exalted their station, who did not do better work and put forth greater effort under a spirit of approval than they would ever do under a spirit of criticism.
Try leaving a friendly trail of little sparks of gratitude on your daily trips. You will be surprised how they will set small flames of friendship that will be rose beacons on your next visit.
I shall pass this way but once; any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness that I can show to any human being, let me do it now. Let me not defer not neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.
Principle 3 – Arouse in the other person an eager want
Personally I am very find of strawberries and cream, but I have found that for some strange reason, fish prefer worms. So when I went fishing, I didn’t think about what I wanted. I thought about what they wanted. I didn’t bait the hook with strawberries and cream. Rather, I dangled a worm or a grasshopper in front of the fish and said:”Wouldn’t you like to have that?” Why not use the same common sense when fishing for people?
So the only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it.
If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.
First, arouse in the other person an eager want. He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way.
Ways to make people like you
Principle 1 – Become genuinely interested in other people
Principle 2 – Smile
People rarely succeed in anything unless they have fun doing it.
Happiness doesn’t depend on outward conditions. It depends on inner conditions.
Principle 3 – Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language
Principle 4 – Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves
So if you aspire to be a good conversationalist, be an attentive listener. To be interesting, be interested.
Principle 5 – Talk in terms of the other person’s interests
Principle 6 – Make the other person feel important and do it sincerely
The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.
Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.
How to win people to your way of thinking
Principle 1 – The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it
A man convinced against his will, is of the same opinion still.
A misunderstanding is never ended by an argument but by tact, diplomacy, conciliation and a sympathetic desire to see the other person’s viewpoint.
Distrust your first instinctive impression. Our first natural reaction in a disagreeable situations is to be defensive. Be careful. Keep clam and watch out for your first reaction. Control your temper. Listen first. Give your opponents a chance to talk. Let them finish. Do not resist, defend or debate. This only raises barriers. Try to build bridges of understanding. Look for areas of agreement. When you have hears your opponents out, dwell first on the points and areas on which you agree. Be honest, look for areas where you can admit error and say so. Apologize for your mistakes. It will help disarm your opponents and reduce defensiveness. Promise to think over your opponent’s ideas and study them carefully. And mean it. Your opponents may be right. It is a lot easier at this stage to agree to think about their points than to move rapidly ahead of you and find yourself in a position where your opponents can say “Told you so”. Thank your opponents sincerely for their interest. Anyone who takes the time to disagree with you is interested in the same things you are. Think of them as people who really want to help you, and you may turn them into friends. Ask yourself hard questions: Could them be right? Is my reaction one that will relieve the problem, or will just relieve any frustration? Will my reaction drive my opponents further away or draw them closer to me? What price will I have to pay if I win? What about if I lose? If I am quiet about it, will the disagrement blow over? Is this difficult situation an opportunity for me?
Principle 2 – Show respect for the other’s person opinions. Never say “You’re wrong”
If you are going to prove anything, don’t let anybody know it. Do it subtly, that no one will feel you are doing it. You cannot teach a man anything, you can only help him to find it within himself.
Principle 3 – If you are wrong admit it quickly and emphatically
Principle 4 – Begin in a friendly way
A drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gull.
The Wind and the Sun were disputing which was the stronger. Suddenly they saw a traveller coming down the road, and the Sun said: “I see a way to decide our dispute. Whichever of us can cause that traveller to take off his cloak shall be regarded as the stronger. You begin.” So the Sun retired behind a cloud, and the Wind began to blow as hard as it could upon the traveller. But the harder he blew the more closely did the traveller wrap his cloak round him, till at last the Wind had to give up in despair. Then the Sun came out and shone in all his glory upon the traveller, who soon found it too hot to walk with his cloak on
Principle 5 – Get the other person saying yes, yes immediately.
Principle 6 – Let the other person do a great deal of the talking
Principle 7 – Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers
Principle 8 – Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view
Principle 9 – Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires
Principle 10 – Appeal to nobler motives
Principle 11 – Dramatize your ideas
Merely stating a truth isn’t enough. The truth has to be made vivid, interesting, dramatic. You have to use showmanship. The movies do it. Television does it. And you will have to do it if you want attention.
Principle 13 – Throw down a challenge
The way to get things done is to stimulate competition. I do not mean a sordid, money-getting way, but in desire to excel.
I have never found that pay and pay alone would either bring together or hold good people. I think it was the game itself.
Be a leader: How to change people without giving offense or arousing resentment
Principle 1 – Begin with a praise and honest appreciation
Beginning with praise is like the dentist starting who begins his work with Novocain. The patient still gets a drilling, but the Novocain is pain-killing.
Principle 2 – Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly
We’re really proud of you Jamie for raising the grades in this term, but if you had work harder on your algebra, the results would have been better.
We’re really proud of you Jamie for raising the grades in this term, and by continuing the same constiencious effort next term, your algebra grade can be up with all the others.
Principle 3 – Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person
Principle 4 – Ask questions instead of giving direct orders
Principle 5 – Let the other person save face
I have no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man in his own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him, but what he thinks of himself. Hurting a man is his dignity is a crime.
Principle 6 – Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement
Principle 7 – Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to
Principle 8 – Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct
Principle 9 – Make the other person happy about doing the things you suggest
The effective leader should keep the following guidelines in mind, when it’s necessary to change attitudes or behaviour:
- Be sincere. Do not promise anything you cannot deliver. Forget about the benefits to yourself and concentrate on the benefits to the other person.
- Know exactly what is you want the other person to do.
- Be empathic. Ask yourself what is it the other person really wants.
- Consider the benefits that person will receive from doing what you suggests.
- Match those benefits to the other person’s wants.
1 thought on “A change of seasons”
Thank you for this post. It really got me thinking about how this relates to people pleasing I had issues with in the past. So technically, people pleasing is all above principles at work, but in the hands of a person who doesn’t have strong personal values. People without strong personal values can be the best at winning friendships, or at least look like that. But over time these ‘friends’ would figure how really shallow that person is, and turn away from them. It’s just an interesting insight to discover today. Thanks again x